It’s been over a year and a half now of pure singleness and in that time I’ve been dating.
Trying all of my options, refusing to shut any doors based on age, looks or personality quirks. I’ve dated men of all ages..26, 31, 33, 37, 38 and even 47! I’m 28.
The 47 year old was an incredibly interesting single father but there was no spark.The 37 year old calls himself a monk and can’t actually be with women physically. The 31 year old had an addiction to porn. The 26 year old wouldn’t or couldn’t stop talking about himself. The list goes on and on…
I have found that no matter what the age - they all have issues. But, as they age, these “issues” become even more solidified and the chances of changing or maybe correcting them are slim to none. If they’ ve been single for most of their adult life - what are the odds they’re finally going to take the plunge and “settle down.”It just leads me to wonder if there’s even a chance of finding an attractive, successful, happy, well-rounded man (over 30) who hasn’t been snatched up yet. Or one who actually wants a serious relationship.
If a guy is over 30 and has yet to commit to a woman in his life is there even a chance he would commit to a single mom? I just can’t see it happening. Besides, why would we waste our times with non-commital guys? We can’t. This is my new red flag…men over 30 who have never been married or had kids.
So, with that said - I have two options:
1. Dating divorced men or single dads.
We know they can commit. We can determine rather quickly what happened in their last relationship. Was it a mis-match from the beginning? Did he try everything in his power to keep her? Did she cheat on him or vice versa? He’s already been married, we can see how he handled it. Single fathers would understand the “baby thing” and we would also be able to tell what kind of parent they are - double bonus!
2. Dating younger men.
Ahhh…younger men. I’m talking 23-26. They are young, hopeful, unjaded and have little to no baggage. Sure they use terms you may not understand like, “most def”: translation - most definitely. But they are so refereshing. In just a few years time these younger men are bound to be snatched up and gone - off the market forever. It is so tempting to think that maybe, just maybe you could mold this young man into your perfect husband. They’re also fun, refreshing and so quick to fall in love and give you everything.
Please share your thoughts…your experiences. Beg to differ? Please do so. And if you’re an exception to my red flag let me know.
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hmmmm ok…
Single and very jaded.
Most women these days are “cougars” anyway
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Yep we are. Because we have to be. There are a lot of jerks out there and most of them happen to be older … and - go figure - still single.
…the irony of your blog is it works both ways. I find the same “options” in dating women. Younger , they’re beautiful,..fresh, energetic, and are willing to take a chance as they have nothing to lose,BUT, have not experienced those bumpy journeys in life so it requires raising another child. I’ll pass…to the dismay of my buddies! I am a single dad and would no longer be interested in any women that has not been married, and experienced raising children. They are much more insightful, intimate, and…well.. “get it”.
He’s out there…just don’t look so hard. All the best!
Helloooo there from down under
as i was……… before my little Madam decided to press a few buttons .. ha ha!
Hello there from down under..
Have done experienced both ………. dated a single dad (2 gorgeous children) and have also dated the young ‘unjaded’ men. Am 25 so (little Madam is 3).. myself so these guys ARE younger than myself with no baggage at all..
Younger Men:
have dated 2 thus far, and have found them both to be so attentive and ‘willing’ to go out of their way to make your life easier.. but along with this came the unfortunate fact that i couldn’t just ‘drop’ everything and hang out like i would’ve if i didn’t have Maddie. Also felt at times, i had to explain to them in detail about my responsilities of providing a stable bkround for my daughter. Almost like explaining to another child.. The most recent has been a dreammmm.. except we argue a lot. I carry ‘baggage’ (aside from Maddie) from past relationships.. ????? wot do i do?!
Single Dad:
He did however understand the joys and woes of being a parent, which was a pleasant change from the ‘younger man’.
Still had ties with his ex, and still stayed at her house every now and then.. ‘for the kids sake’ as i was told! This obviously didn’t last very long
seemed to drabble on.. lol! sorrrrrrrrrry… but im still hopeful
x
ooohhh…. and no i don’t believe all the good men are taken just yet…. they’re asking the same question about us ‘Are all the good girls taken’?!
Men and Women are equally as jaded when it comes to dating seriously. This doesn’t surprise me at all.
http://www.stuffcougarslike.com
MMmm. Addicted to porn - do you mean he could not function properly sexually because he used porn compulsively (can happen - a form of sex addiction)? There could be non-judgmental ways to help there, you have to not see porn as competition or setting some standard to live up to physically. It's just images and fantasy. By the same token, it's best seen and enjoyed as that. Maybe sharing it together and discussing it, what is arousing, what is not. What is a turn off. What is beautiful. What is realistic. What is demeaning and why, and to who? What is not. As a sex aid in other words. You could find out more about what each of you like. Most porn, unfortunately, is boring. these days. But some is not, used as directed.
I dunno maybe women can't do that. I've always asked lovers to *tell* me what they like, or at least make it patently obvious with appropriate noises for eg, otherwise I will not know. It's weird how women will just *not* say "I love it when you [highly specific action], I don't like it as much when you …" - until years into a relationship. Maybe tied up with feeling like a brazen hussy to be so clear about sexual needs, I don't know? Men have no problems asking for a BJ, whatever! But when girls do tell, I do it there way usually, because the more she gets off the more I will get off, for sure. Or at least I did (past tense at present, what a loser!).
On maturity at "over 30" (LoL!).
I was a rather promising piano pupil as a teenager, but was more interested in rock than Bach (pity about that - I adore Bach now while still liking rock of all kinds). In the end I had a Gunnery Sgt-type cranky old piano teacher who could have put the fear of God into most Gunnery Sgts. She was regarded as a brilliant teacher. Once when I was 19, she called my mother on the phone and told her that I had to practice, that I could be a concert pianist, that I was lazy because I was too talented etc and that was a flaw (she was right to some extent). When my mother said "But he's 19, I can't tell him to do much" Cranky Teacher said: "Nonsense. They're still babies until they're at least 30. My daughter was the same, I had to force her to practice, now look at her!" (Her daughter was an acclaimed musician of some fame). We'll, I didn't practice and though I play some things (including rock) quite well, I am not the Bach specialist I would perhaps now quite like to be.
Morale: she was right. This is not an argument for bossing around 19 year olds. What I mean is, at 30, I was not that far ahead of where I was at 19, I just thought I was. In actual fact, I don't think I really matured in many ways until I turned 50. And I still have a way to go. It's ongoing. And I hope it continues to be. Stop growing, start dying,
i am a newly single dad. i have 50% custody of my almost 4 year old daughter. My ex does not sound as (whatever negative term is appropriate) as yours. But i am curious, what do you think of someone whose wife cheated on him (me) and she would not spend any time working through the issues, and just put up walls until i called it quits. any comments or advice?
thanks
My philosophy is: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER go for the younger guys!
Plenty of good single men out there who want to settle down, marry, etc.
Problem is they don't come "packaged" as the guys most women normally are "hot" for.
Remember all those "nice guys" you knew? I know many of them were utter doormats and even living a lie behind their "nice guy" ways, but some of them were just decent men who were raised to be gentlemen to women, and then spent their 20s being rejected over and over for the guys women end up complaining about in blogs.
It's a red flag to be never married and childless in your 30s? You're missing a lot of good men then. I'm 35, never married, no kids…does that mean I want to avoid commitment at all costs? No. It means that I, like many guys, spent our 20s being told and shown in to many ways that the only way to get a woman is to be a jerk. To be aloof, cocky, and play games.
Am I bitter? No. I'm more thankful that I and many like me never had to deal with the problems of divorce and other insanity that others have. We took each rejection and friendzoning to heart and learned from them. Now we sit in our 30s and see a sea of damaged women out there. Women who got knocked up from that fling with the guy everyone kept telling them to dump. Women who are in their 30s and emotionally a mess, claiming all men are children and such but never taking accountability for their own actions.
I'm not attacking you personally here, but I get tired of these incessant whines of women who claim all the good men are taken. You women need to wake up and realize you can't have "hot, wealthy, exciting, wild" combined with "stable, loyal, committing, sensitive". You can have some variations and some combinations, but not all of it. No more than men can't have the supermodel with large breasts, a career, money, and yet loves to cook, clean, and give sex anytime the man asks.
I'm honestly glad you're at least trying in all avenues, but it sounds like some of your "qualifications" are the kinds that don't usually come with "stable, loving, commiting, etc" You women need to realize that if you put everything on that magical "spark" you all hope for, then you'll end up alone most of the time. Excitement doesn't come from seeing him, it comes from what you two do together.
Believe me, I finally found Ms Right, and while I think she's beautiful, she's not the typical long haired brunette with a nice chest and slender body that I normally would pursue. When I first met her I wasn't excited about her, but after two dates I couldn't fathom anyone else I'd want in my life. I didn't settle, but I came to reality…and I can only think how I could have been an idiot and tossed her away for some impossible fantasy. Thankfully I didn't.
I'm not telling you to go out and date some ugly guy who wants to get married, but to be realistic and open-minded in WHERE you go looking for men. If a guy can get laid every week by hot young women, then he's not planning on getting married…period. If he can get all the joys of a relationship without giving much of anything, then what's in it for him to commit (based on what he wants out of women)?
There are MILLIONS of good marrying men out there, but they might not be 6 feet tall. They might not have a full head of hair. They might not be obese, but they also might not have a body of an athlete. They might not be the ethnicity/race you normally go for. They might work a normal job and bring home enough money to make for a good HALF of a family income. They're out there, and they want to be a good man to a lucky woman…to prove to themselves and others that you don't have to be a jerk to get women, but the more you keep pushing them all away, the more alone you end up, and the more of them who might decide to just become cynical and become the "jerks" you women complain about just to get laid.