Are all of the good men taken? And if they’re not…what’s wrong with them?

by mssinglemama on October 26, 2007

It’s been over a year and a half now of pure singleness and in that time I’ve been dating.

Trying all of my options, refusing to shut any doors based on age, looks or personality quirks. I’ve dated men of all ages..26, 31, 33, 37, 38 and even 47! I’m 28.

The 47 year old was an incredibly interesting single father but there was no spark.The 37 year old calls himself a monk and can’t actually be with women physically. The 31 year old had an addiction to porn. The 26 year old wouldn’t or couldn’t stop talking about himself. The list goes on and on…

I have found that no matter what the age – they all have issues. But, as they age, these “issues” become even more solidified and the chances of changing or maybe correcting them are slim to none. If they’ ve been single for most of their adult life – what are the odds they’re finally going to take the plunge and “settle down.”It just leads me to wonder if there’s even a chance of finding an attractive, successful, happy, well-rounded man (over 30) who hasn’t been snatched up yet. Or one who actually wants a serious relationship.

If a guy is over 30 and has yet to commit to a woman in his life is there even a chance he would commit to a single mom? I just can’t see it happening. Besides, why would we waste our times with non-commital guys? We can’t. This is my new red flag…men over 30 who have never been married or had kids.

So, with that said – I have two options:

1. Dating divorced men or single dads.

We know they can commit. We can determine rather quickly what happened in their last relationship. Was it a mis-match from the beginning? Did he try everything in his power to keep her? Did she cheat on him or vice versa? He’s already been married, we can see how he handled it. Single fathers would understand the “baby thing” and we would also be able to tell what kind of parent they are – double bonus!

2. Dating younger men.

Ahhh…younger men. I’m talking 23-26. They are young, hopeful, unjaded and have little to no baggage. Sure they use terms you may not understand like, “most def”: translation – most definitely. But they are so refereshing. In just a few years time these younger men are bound to be snatched up and gone – off the market forever. It is so tempting to think that maybe, just maybe you could mold this young man into your perfect husband. They’re also fun, refreshing and so quick to fall in love and give you everything.

Please share your thoughts…your experiences. Beg to differ? Please do so. And if you’re an exception to my red flag let me know.

»This website has moved to MsSingleMama.com.

Why? Because this single mom outgrew the old space – so get your but over here to see the latest from Ms. Single Mama!

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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

Scavenger October 26, 2007 at 5:38 am

hmmmm ok…
Single and very jaded.
Most women these days are “cougars” anyway
.

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mssinglemama January 14, 2008 at 2:37 am

Yep we are. Because we have to be. There are a lot of jerks out there and most of them happen to be older … and – go figure – still single.

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bodyopus July 1, 2008 at 8:47 am

…the irony of your blog is it works both ways. I find the same “options” in dating women. Younger , they’re beautiful,..fresh, energetic, and are willing to take a chance as they have nothing to lose,BUT, have not experienced those bumpy journeys in life so it requires raising another child. I’ll pass…to the dismay of my buddies! I am a single dad and would no longer be interested in any women that has not been married, and experienced raising children. They are much more insightful, intimate, and…well.. “get it”.
He’s out there…just don’t look so hard. All the best!

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Single Mom October 18, 2011 at 10:36 pm

Are you still single? You’ve got it together. ;)

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M!ss Natalie February 4, 2012 at 7:16 pm

It’s interesting to see you comment on a comment on your own blog, over 3 years later :)

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222 October 3, 2008 at 4:49 pm

Helloooo there from down under

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J-MA (ie. 222) October 3, 2008 at 5:02 pm

as i was……… before my little Madam decided to press a few buttons .. ha ha!

Hello there from down under..

Have done experienced both ………. dated a single dad (2 gorgeous children) and have also dated the young ‘unjaded’ men. Am 25 so (little Madam is 3).. myself so these guys ARE younger than myself with no baggage at all..

Younger Men:
have dated 2 thus far, and have found them both to be so attentive and ‘willing’ to go out of their way to make your life easier.. but along with this came the unfortunate fact that i couldn’t just ‘drop’ everything and hang out like i would’ve if i didn’t have Maddie. Also felt at times, i had to explain to them in detail about my responsilities of providing a stable bkround for my daughter. Almost like explaining to another child.. The most recent has been a dreammmm.. except we argue a lot. I carry ‘baggage’ (aside from Maddie) from past relationships.. ????? wot do i do?!

Single Dad:
Still had ties with his ex, and still stayed at her house every now and then.. ‘for the kids sake’ as i was told! This obviously didn’t last very long :) He did however understand the joys and woes of being a parent, which was a pleasant change from the ‘younger man’.

seemed to drabble on.. lol! sorrrrrrrrrry… but im still hopeful ;)

x

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J-MA (ie. 222) October 3, 2008 at 5:04 pm

ooohhh…. and no i don’t believe all the good men are taken just yet…. they’re asking the same question about us ‘Are all the good girls taken’?!

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Safari December 8, 2008 at 1:07 pm

Men and Women are equally as jaded when it comes to dating seriously. This doesn’t surprise me at all.

http://www.stuffcougarslike.com

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NotADad April 17, 2009 at 3:37 pm

MMmm. Addicted to porn – do you mean he could not function properly sexually because he used porn compulsively (can happen – a form of sex addiction)? There could be non-judgmental ways to help there, you have to not see porn as competition or setting some standard to live up to physically. It's just images and fantasy. By the same token, it's best seen and enjoyed as that. Maybe sharing it together and discussing it, what is arousing, what is not. What is a turn off. What is beautiful. What is realistic. What is demeaning and why, and to who? What is not. As a sex aid in other words. You could find out more about what each of you like. Most porn, unfortunately, is boring. these days. But some is not, used as directed.

I dunno maybe women can't do that. I've always asked lovers to *tell* me what they like, or at least make it patently obvious with appropriate noises for eg, otherwise I will not know. It's weird how women will just *not* say "I love it when you [highly specific action], I don't like it as much when you …" – until years into a relationship. Maybe tied up with feeling like a brazen hussy to be so clear about sexual needs, I don't know? Men have no problems asking for a BJ, whatever! But when girls do tell, I do it there way usually, because the more she gets off the more I will get off, for sure. Or at least I did (past tense at present, what a loser!).

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NotADad April 17, 2009 at 3:56 pm

On maturity at "over 30" (LoL!).

I was a rather promising piano pupil as a teenager, but was more interested in rock than Bach (pity about that – I adore Bach now while still liking rock of all kinds). In the end I had a Gunnery Sgt-type cranky old piano teacher who could have put the fear of God into most Gunnery Sgts. She was regarded as a brilliant teacher. Once when I was 19, she called my mother on the phone and told her that I had to practice, that I could be a concert pianist, that I was lazy because I was too talented etc and that was a flaw (she was right to some extent). When my mother said "But he's 19, I can't tell him to do much" Cranky Teacher said: "Nonsense. They're still babies until they're at least 30. My daughter was the same, I had to force her to practice, now look at her!" (Her daughter was an acclaimed musician of some fame). We'll, I didn't practice and though I play some things (including rock) quite well, I am not the Bach specialist I would perhaps now quite like to be.

Morale: she was right. This is not an argument for bossing around 19 year olds. What I mean is, at 30, I was not that far ahead of where I was at 19, I just thought I was. In actual fact, I don't think I really matured in many ways until I turned 50. And I still have a way to go. It's ongoing. And I hope it continues to be. Stop growing, start dying,

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newlySingleDad April 22, 2009 at 7:01 am

i am a newly single dad. i have 50% custody of my almost 4 year old daughter. My ex does not sound as (whatever negative term is appropriate) as yours. But i am curious, what do you think of someone whose wife cheated on him (me) and she would not spend any time working through the issues, and just put up walls until i called it quits. any comments or advice?
thanks

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aCupof TEA May 11, 2009 at 10:59 pm

My philosophy is: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER go for the younger guys!

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Reality June 25, 2009 at 6:46 pm

Plenty of good single men out there who want to settle down, marry, etc.

Problem is they don't come "packaged" as the guys most women normally are "hot" for.

Remember all those "nice guys" you knew? I know many of them were utter doormats and even living a lie behind their "nice guy" ways, but some of them were just decent men who were raised to be gentlemen to women, and then spent their 20s being rejected over and over for the guys women end up complaining about in blogs.

It's a red flag to be never married and childless in your 30s? You're missing a lot of good men then. I'm 35, never married, no kids…does that mean I want to avoid commitment at all costs? No. It means that I, like many guys, spent our 20s being told and shown in to many ways that the only way to get a woman is to be a jerk. To be aloof, cocky, and play games.

Am I bitter? No. I'm more thankful that I and many like me never had to deal with the problems of divorce and other insanity that others have. We took each rejection and friendzoning to heart and learned from them. Now we sit in our 30s and see a sea of damaged women out there. Women who got knocked up from that fling with the guy everyone kept telling them to dump. Women who are in their 30s and emotionally a mess, claiming all men are children and such but never taking accountability for their own actions.

I'm not attacking you personally here, but I get tired of these incessant whines of women who claim all the good men are taken. You women need to wake up and realize you can't have "hot, wealthy, exciting, wild" combined with "stable, loyal, committing, sensitive". You can have some variations and some combinations, but not all of it. No more than men can't have the supermodel with large breasts, a career, money, and yet loves to cook, clean, and give sex anytime the man asks.

I'm honestly glad you're at least trying in all avenues, but it sounds like some of your "qualifications" are the kinds that don't usually come with "stable, loving, commiting, etc" You women need to realize that if you put everything on that magical "spark" you all hope for, then you'll end up alone most of the time. Excitement doesn't come from seeing him, it comes from what you two do together.

Believe me, I finally found Ms Right, and while I think she's beautiful, she's not the typical long haired brunette with a nice chest and slender body that I normally would pursue. When I first met her I wasn't excited about her, but after two dates I couldn't fathom anyone else I'd want in my life. I didn't settle, but I came to reality…and I can only think how I could have been an idiot and tossed her away for some impossible fantasy. Thankfully I didn't.

I'm not telling you to go out and date some ugly guy who wants to get married, but to be realistic and open-minded in WHERE you go looking for men. If a guy can get laid every week by hot young women, then he's not planning on getting married…period. If he can get all the joys of a relationship without giving much of anything, then what's in it for him to commit (based on what he wants out of women)?

There are MILLIONS of good marrying men out there, but they might not be 6 feet tall. They might not have a full head of hair. They might not be obese, but they also might not have a body of an athlete. They might not be the ethnicity/race you normally go for. They might work a normal job and bring home enough money to make for a good HALF of a family income. They're out there, and they want to be a good man to a lucky woman…to prove to themselves and others that you don't have to be a jerk to get women, but the more you keep pushing them all away, the more alone you end up, and the more of them who might decide to just become cynical and become the "jerks" you women complain about just to get laid.

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Tucker August 11, 2009 at 1:05 am

I’m a single, 30 y.o. (but I look mid-20s) guy who has never been married or has kids. But I am no one’s red flag. I’m single because I have been in relationships, most of my adult life, that just didn’t work out – some great people just never find “the one.” In addition to my past dating experiences I have dated a single mother. She was 8 years older than me with three kids, twin 21 y.o. boys and one 18 y.o. daughter [do the math... she was very young]. My experience with her and her kids was great. [Long story short] She wanted to settle down with someone her age or older, who already had kids and didn’t want more kids. I was younger and I eventually wanted kids of my own. But that didn’t stop our attraction towards each other. We got serious and dated for 2-3 months. She said if I were older and had kids she would marry me. But we ended our friendship because we knew we were not for each other.

Now I’m dating another single mother. She is the most amazing girl I have ever dated. I am so good to her: I cook dinner and I give her foot massages. I know there is more to it than that but, hey, most women would love those two things. Aside from my cooking and massaging skills: I’m not arrogant, I am very sweet, affectionate, passionate, fun/funny, independent, educated, mature, I have a career, I’m going to be a great father – I’m great with kids and kids always get along with me, I’m not conceited but I am cute, tall and handsome. No one is perfect but I am darn close. I’ve been told, by my sisters, that it’s hard to find a great guy like me. I truly believe that, my sisters wouldn’t lie to me. Many women are looking for a guy like me but life is about chance. Every woman has different preferences and their own perception of their perfect man. But some women can be blind when a perfect man is right in front of them. I’m just hoping that the single mom I’m dating now will choose me and realize that I’m a great and quality guy worth introducing to her kids.

I’m not taken, yet, and there is nothing wrong with me.

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lurker January 17, 2010 at 7:13 pm

“I have found that no matter what the age – they all have issues. ”

Yes, they have. And you also have: you have a kid, what decreases the amount of men interested in having a serious relationship with you. Men are not enthusiastic about marrying a woman with a kid who is not their own.

Not that it is impossible for you to find true love. But if I was you, I would stop being so damn picky. Nobody is perfect and you are not a trophy wife either.

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morris December 24, 2010 at 8:51 am

single – married-divorced -single – kids – married – divorced THEN whamo found the most amazing guy! When I wasn’t looking…thats the key relax and enjoy your free time doing something you enjoy LOVE is found in the most unexpected places,,,When you mention CHANGE thats not the word its GROW If ur 100% happy with who u are NO REGRETS at all! then relax be you and your psitiveness will attract – you can NEVER change anybody and if you want to after meeting move on,,you must not only like,be friends first then lovers etc what matters regardless of age is how you both GROW together in body,mind and soul – good luck there

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susan June 4, 2011 at 5:28 am

and it’s even harder when you’re in your 40′s! it’s sure true that the ‘pool’ shrinks dramatically, but where once i would have said NO WAY to someone (still)not married or with kids, in some ways I can see the benefits – no ex, no grown, or semi-grown kids (and thus the dreaded blended family). more time for me and my children, hopefully some financial stability.
And as for younger, well I can also see the benefits there too – energy, self awareness, and with any luck less bedded un old-man habits!

Certainly my red-flags are well in place, but i am possibly more open minded than i was a year ago.
My current life was hard won and I’m happy with it, and I understand the different between ‘need’ and ‘want’…no wI just have to figure out if I want it badly enough.

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What? June 14, 2011 at 10:53 pm

What? I have been following your blog for about 2 years now. I’m a single mom in grad school. I enjoyed most of your stuff but… definitely, not this one.

You started off sounding open minded and concluded with only date single dads or really younger guys? Seriously? What? Weird ending.

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What? June 14, 2011 at 10:57 pm

PS. You don’t expect people to see you have a huge red flag for being a single mom… and you should not. Yet, you are doing some major stereotyping and grouping of people yourself. Yes, I am sure you are not like a single mom from teen mom. Not all single moms are what society paints so horrendously… so, why do you even blog about something like this? Who do you think you are?

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susan September 4, 2011 at 4:36 am

my step father married my mum at 36. he had never been married, never lived with a woman, and didn’t have kids.
they’ve now been happily married for 32 years.

one of my best friends also despaired of meeting a good man. at 40 she met him. he was 22. shés 50 in a few weeks and they are blissfully happy.

i’ve been sole parenting for 3 1/2 years and have had a few dates and one less than successful longish liason. I’m beginning to think that the childfree guy might be my best option – exes, kids, it’s all so flipping difficult. i’ll work on the hopeful premise that he just hasn’t met the right girl yet;)

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What attracts men April 17, 2013 at 4:34 pm

All men are taken and if they are not they are gay!

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dating tips for short guys August 29, 2014 at 6:11 am

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Lorn September 5, 2014 at 7:22 am

I disagree with your post about not dating men if they haven’t had kids or been married. Some people don’t want marriage–it doesn’t mean they are commitment phobic. There is more than one way to commit to someone without having to sign a contract. Another thing, men who are over thirty or forty and not married with kids doesn’t mean they don’t want that but might have not found anyone they want to settle down with.

You need to expand your horizons and quit buying into fairytale ideologies that are keeping you single. What you should be concerned with is finding someone who is a great partner and surrogate father to your child. If marriage is what you want then find someone into that. Don’t categorize single men over a certain age bracket with having something wrong with them simply because they don’t fall in-line with your expectations.

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