Minor crisis or blessing in disguise? You tell me.
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***Crisis Management Update***
Two words - Thomas sheets.
Original Post
For the past three nights Benjamin has insisted upon sleeping in my bed.
Suddenly, after two years of sleeping in his own room, he wants to sleep in mommy’s bed. Last night, I went up and soothed him back down - four times - four times! Finally, I gave up and brought him downstairs.
Could this be a blessing in disguise? With Benjamin in my bed every night it would keep me from letting a man into my bed - prevent any flings with unworthy bedmates.
Or is it a minor crisis? What’s with this sudden need to sleep with me? How do I break the cycle? And what if I do meet someone, a potential boyfriend or even a fling? Future Alaina definitely won’t want Benjamin in my bed.
My co-sleeping pro and con list
The Pros:
- He doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night, which means solid sleep for moi.
- We get that physical bonding time, I’ve heard it’s especially important for working moms.
- I get to hear him breathing and snuggle up to his little cheek - pure bliss.
- If he sleeps in my bed every night there’s no way a man will ever get in there (could be a pro).
The Cons:
- I can’t clean my room, usually I clean after his bed time. My room is TRASHED.
- What if he has some weird mommy neediness issues later on.
- If he sleeps in my bed every night there’s no way a man will ever get in there (could be a con).
What should I do? I have to turn to all of you on this one … I mean, without a husband around why not just sleep with my kid?
Filed under: My little guy, The Daily Grind, Toddlerisms, Uncategorized
We went through this a few times and every now and then it comes up again. Now that I’m re-married, she doesn’t go to my bed at all, but a few years ago, I started the practice of lying in her bed to get her back to sleep. Of course, it’s better when they are not in a toddler bed-at least for your comfort level. And you have to master the stealthy art of sneaking out of their bed. So I started sleeping in HER bed, so that mine stayed “free”.
After it started to become a ‘habit’ for my little man to snuggle in with me, I took a different approach. We began with me sitting at the edge of his bed as he fell asleep( I brought a book in with me), then gradually moved to standing in the doorway until finally, I could tuck him in and head straight out of his bedroom door. It took a while, but I made it through.
As much as I loved the snuggle, I noticed we both got a better sleep in our own beds (or should I say *I* got a better sleep seeing as my son sleeps like an unconscious starfish! LOL!)
So glad you posted this. I’m totally going through this right now myself! She started sleeping in my bed after Dick left, and I felt so badly for her (and me) that I let it happen. Now, however, it’s to a point *I* don’t get any sleep because she rolls everywhere and kicks and slaps. Getting her into her own bed means I’m up 80 times a night for some reason. She was NEVER like this before.
I don’t mean to post jack, but am anxious to read the advice here. I’ve tried laying the law down, but damn, I need some sleep too!
One reason for the sudden need to be in Mom’s bed may be his vacation to Grandma’s house last week. Likely just a temporary stress he’s working through. As tempting as it is to give in (an snuggle up for the night) you really want to keep him in his own bed. You’ll both sleep better and he’ll develop better sleep habits (being able to soothe himself back to sleep during the night). Besides, if, and when you are no longer sleeping solo, you don’t want your little man to think that the new big man has taken his spot in what would essentially be his and Mom’s bed. Sleeping in his bed is a great suggestion….and the primary reason my son has a full size bed, so we’re both comfy! One last note….this is just my experience, but ‘laying down the law’ with my son always backfires. It stresses him out and makes him want to be in his own bed, alone, even less. I work full time, so bedtime is a treat….if it takes me an extra 15 mintues to wait while he settles in, it is a blissful 15 minutes of quiet and calm. Good luck, sleep is serious business for the single Mom!!
Debra might be on to something — you have to look at what’s going on in his life. I’d allow it for a little bit, then transition and then, tough love. It hurts, they hate it but I learned a very big lesson on what happens when you don’t set boundaries early on; you really suffer when they’re teens!
Plus, our role is to help our kids become self-sufficient adults. That means we have to act like adults, too (well, around them, anyway!)
I think kids should sleep in their own bed. For snuggle time, he can jump in your bed in the morning (wake up!!) I think it’s healthier for the kids, and frees you up for booty whenever that arises (ahem).
I have this conflict with myself alllllll the time. I was used to having the baby fall asleep with me, but when my Mom started taking care of him, she didn’t have the time to lay down with him for naps until he fell asleep.
Your situation is a bit different, since B is older and you do have future man in your bed potential.
I do STRONGLY believe in the nightime bonding thing though. Working full time and coming home around 6:30 doesn’t leave me much baby time, so I felt like nighttime was kind of a catch up for us. I also love waking up next to him, but it makes me NOT want to get up even more.
I agree that this may just be a phase….let it ride out a little bit, then try to transition. You do need your time seperate from baby, but I say listen to your gut.
My girl’s son is 2 and a half and every now and then he freaks out in the middle of the night and there is no calming him down. I think this is around the age they start having vivid dreams maybe? Because there is a difference between the normal I want my mommy whine and the “i’m terrified” sound. He cries buckets and snot is running all over the place, it’s really gross, lol. Like i said it is rare, but normally he is asleep in his own bed. I think the big thing is keeping him from htinking he can get what he wants by crying. I know it is tough, all my mom friends say they can;t stand the sound of the child crying. I know he isn;t my son, but I htink being a man I rationalize things into “making a man of him.”
I think the big thing is teaching the child discipline and setting a routine, whatever that routine may be. He goes down for bed at 8, sometimes he stays up a little longer than others, but he has accepted the concept of “your going to bed.” I think with little boys they will especially try to push the envelope and find their limits. testosterone is a mofo.
Tracy’s suggestion is so right on! I didn’t think of it initially but Debra is completely right. This is him working through the post-seperation anxiety thing. I wonder if couple parents have this problem too. I have had this issue too and it is kind of constant because one does it then quits then the other starts. I swear 2 is too many on some nights:) I agree with Tracy on this though go to his bed and do the gradual move towards the hall. Best of luck honey, you are going to need it!
Here’s our normal routine. And it’s been THE same for two years.
Bath time.
Book time.
Bed time.
Usually he rolls right over and passes out.
I think it is a mix of separation anxiety (maybe b/c of grandma’s) and some nightmares. B/c like Jon B. says - he’s just been waking up howling and crying so hard.
A night light? Should I try a special night light!!!???
That’s what I’ll do.
Tonight, we’ll go shopping to find the perfect nightlight - something fun that maybe he’ll want to turn on.
GREAT idea about the nightlight…does he have a Gloworm??
A Glow WORM!!! HOLY CRAP!!! That’s genius!!!
Wait … do Glow Worms stay on? I just read an Amazon review and the users said they’re too loud, the music. Wonder if they have any without music?
The waking up at night is seriously an issue for all of us mamas! I agree with the separation anxiety and also it’s probably just a phase. Miles (my little guy) used to sleep so well and for the past two months- not so good. I battle too with what to do…being a working mama. As much as I hate getting up 3 times in the night…I truly love to be able to snuggle him when he does get up- we don’t get enough time for that during the day. Also- the Ex factor takes him over night once a week…and I always think he gets confused at night as to where he is and who is there. It makes my skin crawl to think of his confusion….but maybe i’m still sucking things up a bit and not totally free.
I would try to keep him in his own bed for the majority of the time…but always go with the mama instincts.
Yep, I remember those two-year-old nightmares. I was sure that something was horribly wrong. Growing up can be scary!!
I’m still working on the bed-boundaries over here, so don’t use me as a model… But in hindsight, I wish I’d sanctioned off my bedroom as “Mommy’s room” (oh, wait, I didn’t have a two-bedroom place until recently!).
I will add: although get EXACTLY what you mean… try to keep the guys out of your bed if that’s where you are right now. “Using” your kid to keep in order to keep a man out… will backfire, surely. I mean that in the kindest way. I’ve been there. xoxo
Just find the speaker for the music and put a big ol’ piece of duct tape over it. It’ll muffle it just enough and, usually, the speakers on those kind of toys are inside, on the hard body, and then covered by the soft, um, outer-casing (what an odd thing to try and describe).
The rule around here is that she can only crawl into bed with me once it’s sunny out, but that’s fairly easy in our place since we’re on one level with bdrms beside each other.
I sleep with Son every night. He sleeps with his dad when he, rarely, spends the night.
It works for us, but sometimes I do think he (and I) would get a better night’s sleep if he would sleep in his own bed. I’m just too tired to fight at this point, and pssstt I kinda love it.
He’ll grow out of it soon enough. He won’t be 13 and sleeping in my bed, so all is good for now, I think.
Well, I dated a guy who’s 12 year old sister started doing that when she was younger…and still did it when she was 12. Finally, when she turned 13 they decided she should sleep in her own room. No, she defintely had some major sleeping issues after that. Dont do it!!!
Just my two cents…I wouldn’t let that become a habit. My daughter was sleeping in her bed for two years, all by herself, and my husband let her sleep in our bed for a night or two, and she never left. She’s six now and STILL comes in the middle of the night and climbs in bed with us. Forget having a normal sex life with that going on!
The music from the Glow Worm is pretty loud, now that I think about it. The one I have is small (smaller than the one I remember having a bazillion years ago) and you press it’s tummy for a song that stay on for about 30 seconds. I also saw a Sea Horse type thing at Target (just looked on the website to find a link for you, not on there) that seemed pretty relaxing. Ocean-like sounds.
I think that this is matter of personal choice, and that you should do whatever your instincts tell you to do. I can tell you that at one time or another, all of my children slept with me. The oldest who are 13,10, and 6 no longer ever come to my bed. My little girl, who is five, is in between staying in her bed and coming to mine. The baby, who is 15 months is a nightly guest.
All in all, I don’t mind, and the truth is that it doesn’t last forever, as nothing in childhood does.